Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Can you really?
Can you still call it a true story if you take liberties to make it a more acceptable, exciting movie?
Monday, January 8, 2018
I really, really want it to happen, but know it won't.
The thing I really want to happen in the next Star Wars movie is annoying force ghost Luke.
You have no idea how much I want to see that.
I want Kylo to wake up and see Luke.
I want Kylo to be brushing his teeth or his hair and see Luke in the mirror.
And have Luke make comments about how he's not brushing properly or that he should get a haircut.
I want Kylo to go to his TIE fighter and find Luke already inside.
I want Kylo to be flying said TIE fighter and have Luke make some comment about how he didn't need to use his targeting computer when he destroyed the Death Star that one time.
I want Luke to tell Kylo to call his mom, she worries.
I want Luke to spout all sorts of things that sound wise and mysterious but don't actually make any sense.
I want Luke to make up Jedi wisdom.
I want Luke to second guess Kylo's every move.
I want only Kylo to be able to see Luke and I want Luke to mess with him when he's on the bridge of a ship.
I want Luke to address Kylo's anger issues after he throws another hissy fit and destroys something.
I want Luke to sing a Jawa folksong.
I want Luke to reminisce about things that happened in previous movies.
I want to hear about Dagobah and Hoth and moisture farming.
I want so many things that I know will not happen but would be great if they did.
You have no idea how much I want to see that.
I want Kylo to wake up and see Luke.
I want Kylo to be brushing his teeth or his hair and see Luke in the mirror.
And have Luke make comments about how he's not brushing properly or that he should get a haircut.
I want Kylo to go to his TIE fighter and find Luke already inside.
I want Kylo to be flying said TIE fighter and have Luke make some comment about how he didn't need to use his targeting computer when he destroyed the Death Star that one time.
I want Luke to tell Kylo to call his mom, she worries.
I want Luke to spout all sorts of things that sound wise and mysterious but don't actually make any sense.
I want Luke to make up Jedi wisdom.
I want Luke to second guess Kylo's every move.
I want only Kylo to be able to see Luke and I want Luke to mess with him when he's on the bridge of a ship.
I want Luke to address Kylo's anger issues after he throws another hissy fit and destroys something.
I want Luke to sing a Jawa folksong.
I want Luke to reminisce about things that happened in previous movies.
I want to hear about Dagobah and Hoth and moisture farming.
I want so many things that I know will not happen but would be great if they did.
I hope Vader's been keeping up with his capework.
I have to say, the last song I expected to hear on the World DanceSport GrandSlam Standard Series promo was a jazzed up version of The Imperial March.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Maybe if they'd spent more time sealing up the plot holes and less trying to force the humor they might have had something.
So I saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi.
My first thought: they're trying awfully hard to be funny. Awfully, painfully, hard, and some of the jokes were too modern, too now. They didn't feel natural, or that they fit with the world. (I guess that's to be expected. It is Disney after all, and Elsa's dress did not belong in her world. It belonged in a nightclub, or the ladies lounge on MadTV.)
My second thought: that's not how the force works. That's really not how the force works. Why are you doing that? That. Is. Not. How. The. Force. Works.
And the third: Jacky Fisher would be rolling in his grave over that joke of a ship given the name dreadnought. Honestly, someone needed to do a little WWI British naval history research. And what was up with the star destroyers just floating there while the big ship was being attacked? And why didn't a swarm of TIE fighters come out of the big ship to protect it?
And that was only the beginning. Now on to the good, the bad, and the whatever.
(Please excuse the incoherence and listiness of this. It's just the way it's going to be.):
-Everything you've just said is wrong. Love that line.
-Rey "feeling" the force. :)
-If you're on the run with a finite number of ships, escape pods, etc., you will know how many you have and where they are at all times. You will not allow one to just zoom away.
-Super Leia. That is all.
-The admiral's evening gown. Come on, she couldn't even run in that thing. Sure, it's great for standing round, looking statuesque, but she could have been conquered by stairs or a ladder. Put her in something like Mon Mothma had worn. That at least looked like it was capable of movement and you could have hidden a blaster in it.
-Poe, Poe, Poe. There's a fine line between hotshot devil-may-care pilot and idiot. He not only crossed that line, he crossed it so many times he broke it in half.
-Rose and Finn's Unnecessary Adventure could have been shortened. It really could have.
-Snoke was a disappointment. Truthfully, I wanted him to turn out to be two feet tall considering how large his communication projections always were. That didn't happen, and I'm willing to forgive that. I'm not willing to forgive the fact that he was given so little backstory that his death amounted to a big pile of nothing. Would it have killed them to give viewers some sense of who he was and answer some questions? Where did he originally come from? What happened to his face? How did he catch Kylo Ren? What is he doing being the supereme leader anyway? I mean, the emperor in the originally trilogy felt like a solid character even before the prequels. Then again, maybe it was because Darth Vader was so imposing that you figured someone pretty strong had to be holding his leash. Kylo, on the other hand, seemed like he could be controlled by having his video games taken away. I guess I just wanted something more for a guy who looked like he'd been hit in the face with a flaming baseball bat. (I think I heard something about an official guide or book that actually tells of Snoke's past, but if a movie requires supplemental reading material, the movie failed.)
-The new Crimson Guard (or whatever they're calling themselves now) were nowhere near as impressive as the old one. Maybe it's the fact that they looked like they were wearing bowls on their heads or had been in the middle of welding something when the enemy arrived. (Yeah, I know that's not really what I was supposed to think, because it was pretty clear what they were referencing.) Now I'll admit the old guard didn't do much but follow the emperor around and look menacing, and I still haven't forgiven Lucas for what happened in the prequels, but they just felt dangerous and gave one the feeling that if they ever did something it was going to be cool. (They were hard to beat in the video game, too, even if their attack did look like they were mopping the floor.)
-Captain Phasma. Oh, Captain Phasma. Your creation had been heralded. "Look! She's a woman! A woman in command! She's got nifty armor and everything!" They sure wasted her, didn't they?
-Does Kylo Ren (I will never call him Ben because that name makes absolutely no sense. Han gave Obi-Wan a ride once, complained about it, and called him a fossil. Leia only knew about him from stories told to her by her adopted called parents. That's like naming someone after the Subway sandwich artist who once made you the perfect sub. Frankly, Vader played a bigger role than anyone in getting those crazy kids together, so they should have named their son Vader, or Dar, or Vade, or Nik, or Ken, or anything that doesn't remind me of an orphan singing about tomorrow. But anyway...) Does Kylo Ren get his pay docked each time he has a tantrum and wrecks something? (I'm still convinced that there's a ship out there only capable of turning left because of him. It's hazard lights are probably stuck on, too.) Frankly, it would have served him right to get trapped in that elevator. On the plus side, he finally got rid of the helmet so he sounds a little less like Bane.
-Speaking of Mr. Ren, what was up with that Harry Potter/Voldemort mental connection he had with Rey? And what was up with Snoke being able to use the force through a communication hologram? If they were trying to say he was so powerful he could use the force from afar, they messed up when they killed him because he couldn't see through a lie. (Or are we supposed to think that Mr. Ren is that strong? Sorry, not buying it.) Anyway, I guess old Kylo is the Supreme Leader now. I really hope I'm not supposed to be rooting for his redemption because at the moment I'd rather the whiny emo brat take a blaster to the head.
-There were many times I wondered if the people who made this movie had ever actually seen the previous films. I mean, having that little walker make its way through the debris of the exploding ship? Did they not see Return of the Jedi? Did they not watch those same walkers trip and fall over logs? Those things are not meant to traverse debris.
-Then there were the coincidences. Oh, the coincidences, like how that one ship just happened to not be destroyed on the exploding ship. Basically, by the end of the movie, I had to use the old joke from The Simpsons where if you notice something weird or something that doesn't make sense continuity-wise, a wizard did it.
-I now want to see a lightsaber duel that consists of the combatants aggressively turning off each other's lightsabers over and over and over again. I really do.
-So Luke's new planet had two suns. Is it the other side of Tattoine? Did he just come from the sand half? Have I been lied to all this time?
-Do you think you got him? Funny. Though I can't say I'm a big fan of the new AT-AT design. They look mean and more ape than elephant. (And how the heck did Finn drag Rose back without being seen or blasted away? Oh, right, wizard.)
-Hearing Luke say that even if Kylo kills him he'll still be around makes me want him to just be there as a really annoying force ghost. Kylo gets up in the morning, Luke is there. Kylo is brushing his teeth, Luke is in the mirror. He's just always there, chatting and giving advice and making comments and second guessing his nephew's decisions. Heck, he's a Skywalker, they excel at annoyance.
-Which leads me back to the big duel at the end. Was I the only one who thought, "Well, I guess he had time for a shave, a haircut, and an application of Just For Jedi (only your closest apprentices/padawans will notice)." He also looked like he was wearing the Jedi version of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, but then I don't know much about fashion.
-When Yoda appeared, I half expected him to say, "Fine your father is. Misses you he does. Call enough you do not."
-Don't lick the mineral planet. Just take the guide's word for it that it's salt. (Sorry. Just remembering a tour I took once.)
Congratulations, you made it to the end. (I hope someone did.) Now, after reading this, you probably think that I didn't like the movie. I actually did. It was fun. It was a diversion. It was...fine. Not great, but watchable. It felt like the draft of a story that could have been good but ended up being merely passable. All in all, the movie before was better. Hopefully the movie after will be, too.
My first thought: they're trying awfully hard to be funny. Awfully, painfully, hard, and some of the jokes were too modern, too now. They didn't feel natural, or that they fit with the world. (I guess that's to be expected. It is Disney after all, and Elsa's dress did not belong in her world. It belonged in a nightclub, or the ladies lounge on MadTV.)
My second thought: that's not how the force works. That's really not how the force works. Why are you doing that? That. Is. Not. How. The. Force. Works.
And the third: Jacky Fisher would be rolling in his grave over that joke of a ship given the name dreadnought. Honestly, someone needed to do a little WWI British naval history research. And what was up with the star destroyers just floating there while the big ship was being attacked? And why didn't a swarm of TIE fighters come out of the big ship to protect it?
And that was only the beginning. Now on to the good, the bad, and the whatever.
(Please excuse the incoherence and listiness of this. It's just the way it's going to be.):
-Everything you've just said is wrong. Love that line.
-Rey "feeling" the force. :)
-If you're on the run with a finite number of ships, escape pods, etc., you will know how many you have and where they are at all times. You will not allow one to just zoom away.
-Super Leia. That is all.
-The admiral's evening gown. Come on, she couldn't even run in that thing. Sure, it's great for standing round, looking statuesque, but she could have been conquered by stairs or a ladder. Put her in something like Mon Mothma had worn. That at least looked like it was capable of movement and you could have hidden a blaster in it.
-Poe, Poe, Poe. There's a fine line between hotshot devil-may-care pilot and idiot. He not only crossed that line, he crossed it so many times he broke it in half.
-Rose and Finn's Unnecessary Adventure could have been shortened. It really could have.
-Snoke was a disappointment. Truthfully, I wanted him to turn out to be two feet tall considering how large his communication projections always were. That didn't happen, and I'm willing to forgive that. I'm not willing to forgive the fact that he was given so little backstory that his death amounted to a big pile of nothing. Would it have killed them to give viewers some sense of who he was and answer some questions? Where did he originally come from? What happened to his face? How did he catch Kylo Ren? What is he doing being the supereme leader anyway? I mean, the emperor in the originally trilogy felt like a solid character even before the prequels. Then again, maybe it was because Darth Vader was so imposing that you figured someone pretty strong had to be holding his leash. Kylo, on the other hand, seemed like he could be controlled by having his video games taken away. I guess I just wanted something more for a guy who looked like he'd been hit in the face with a flaming baseball bat. (I think I heard something about an official guide or book that actually tells of Snoke's past, but if a movie requires supplemental reading material, the movie failed.)
-The new Crimson Guard (or whatever they're calling themselves now) were nowhere near as impressive as the old one. Maybe it's the fact that they looked like they were wearing bowls on their heads or had been in the middle of welding something when the enemy arrived. (Yeah, I know that's not really what I was supposed to think, because it was pretty clear what they were referencing.) Now I'll admit the old guard didn't do much but follow the emperor around and look menacing, and I still haven't forgiven Lucas for what happened in the prequels, but they just felt dangerous and gave one the feeling that if they ever did something it was going to be cool. (They were hard to beat in the video game, too, even if their attack did look like they were mopping the floor.)
-Captain Phasma. Oh, Captain Phasma. Your creation had been heralded. "Look! She's a woman! A woman in command! She's got nifty armor and everything!" They sure wasted her, didn't they?
-Does Kylo Ren (I will never call him Ben because that name makes absolutely no sense. Han gave Obi-Wan a ride once, complained about it, and called him a fossil. Leia only knew about him from stories told to her by her adopted called parents. That's like naming someone after the Subway sandwich artist who once made you the perfect sub. Frankly, Vader played a bigger role than anyone in getting those crazy kids together, so they should have named their son Vader, or Dar, or Vade, or Nik, or Ken, or anything that doesn't remind me of an orphan singing about tomorrow. But anyway...) Does Kylo Ren get his pay docked each time he has a tantrum and wrecks something? (I'm still convinced that there's a ship out there only capable of turning left because of him. It's hazard lights are probably stuck on, too.) Frankly, it would have served him right to get trapped in that elevator. On the plus side, he finally got rid of the helmet so he sounds a little less like Bane.
-Speaking of Mr. Ren, what was up with that Harry Potter/Voldemort mental connection he had with Rey? And what was up with Snoke being able to use the force through a communication hologram? If they were trying to say he was so powerful he could use the force from afar, they messed up when they killed him because he couldn't see through a lie. (Or are we supposed to think that Mr. Ren is that strong? Sorry, not buying it.) Anyway, I guess old Kylo is the Supreme Leader now. I really hope I'm not supposed to be rooting for his redemption because at the moment I'd rather the whiny emo brat take a blaster to the head.
-There were many times I wondered if the people who made this movie had ever actually seen the previous films. I mean, having that little walker make its way through the debris of the exploding ship? Did they not see Return of the Jedi? Did they not watch those same walkers trip and fall over logs? Those things are not meant to traverse debris.
-Then there were the coincidences. Oh, the coincidences, like how that one ship just happened to not be destroyed on the exploding ship. Basically, by the end of the movie, I had to use the old joke from The Simpsons where if you notice something weird or something that doesn't make sense continuity-wise, a wizard did it.
-I now want to see a lightsaber duel that consists of the combatants aggressively turning off each other's lightsabers over and over and over again. I really do.
-So Luke's new planet had two suns. Is it the other side of Tattoine? Did he just come from the sand half? Have I been lied to all this time?
-Do you think you got him? Funny. Though I can't say I'm a big fan of the new AT-AT design. They look mean and more ape than elephant. (And how the heck did Finn drag Rose back without being seen or blasted away? Oh, right, wizard.)
-Hearing Luke say that even if Kylo kills him he'll still be around makes me want him to just be there as a really annoying force ghost. Kylo gets up in the morning, Luke is there. Kylo is brushing his teeth, Luke is in the mirror. He's just always there, chatting and giving advice and making comments and second guessing his nephew's decisions. Heck, he's a Skywalker, they excel at annoyance.
-Which leads me back to the big duel at the end. Was I the only one who thought, "Well, I guess he had time for a shave, a haircut, and an application of Just For Jedi (only your closest apprentices/padawans will notice)." He also looked like he was wearing the Jedi version of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, but then I don't know much about fashion.
-When Yoda appeared, I half expected him to say, "Fine your father is. Misses you he does. Call enough you do not."
-Don't lick the mineral planet. Just take the guide's word for it that it's salt. (Sorry. Just remembering a tour I took once.)
Congratulations, you made it to the end. (I hope someone did.) Now, after reading this, you probably think that I didn't like the movie. I actually did. It was fun. It was a diversion. It was...fine. Not great, but watchable. It felt like the draft of a story that could have been good but ended up being merely passable. All in all, the movie before was better. Hopefully the movie after will be, too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)