What's going on in there?

I want to know what Genesis is doing to warrant an elevator capable of supporting the weight and size of a giant robot.  I think that there's more to this company than just secret tapes/films/whatever.  I think that somewhere in this building is a mad scientist doing all sorts of crazy experiments (because otherwise we couldn't call him a mad scientist, could we?) and other crimes against nature.  I imagine that he's wearing a lab coat, goggles, and has really wild hair that might or might not be white (that or it's dark and all slicked back, and if that's the case, he's not wearing goggles because that would really mess with the lenses).  Looks like the robot rumble is about to commence.  There is one thing that's bugging me though: who's the guy saying that it's Halloween?  Tracy should be on the other side of TRAZE-R, so it can't be him.  I would assume that Braces would be on his way out because well, he's a crook and therefore has little concern for the fate of his mechanical henchman.  Could it be the mysterious lady of evil or the eye-patched one?  I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens tomorrow (or the day after that, or the day after that, and hope that they don't enter that strange, alternate universe again on Sunday, though it would be pretty neat if the two Tracys met face to face, even if it did risk tearing a hole in the space-time continuum).

Movie Moments XV: Oh, the product placements you'll see.

In honor of Halloween, I present to you "The Monster Squad."  For many years I had to depend on a version of the movie recorded off of television by a friend who had cable.  Time had darkened this version to such a degree that it never completely looked like daylight and night was always so much deeper than it should have been (much like the darkened appearance of our copy of "Return of Jedi," also taped off of cable television, which meant that until the re-releases came out, I didn't realize that Jabba's palace and barge weren't just dark structures and that they actually had things on the walls.  Yet even with newer versions I cannot make myself get rid of that tape because it had a behind the scenes thing that I've never seen since where they show how they operated the Jabba puppet.  Go figure.  Oh well, back to the actual post.).  In fact, this version of "The Monster Squad" had gotten so bad that the beginning explanation, printed in little red words that scrolled up the screen, was completely illegible, yet I still knew what it said, especially the last words, "They blew it."  Now thanks to another recording, and the recently released DVD, I've been able to see the movie as it was intended and was reacquainted with something that I'd always found pretty funny even before I knew what it was: product placement.  I won't touch upon each placement, just the two that were the most obvious and that always manage to make me smile: Burger King and Adidas.

Burger King was the first clear placement that I can remember seeing in a movie, and it all had to do with the final battle in the town square, which I'll get to a little later.  (Yes, I know about the whole Reese's Pieces placement in E.T., but shoot me if you will, I never really cared much for that movie, even when I was a kid and I was supposed to.  I much preferred to get attached to the aliens of "Flight Of The Navigator."  Sorry.)  Now, you would expect the characters to eat Burger King, and they do.  In fact, Sean's dad brings some home and the two sit on the roof watching the nearby drive-in movie for free while they eat it.  (Though now that I think about it, I don't recall there being any indication that their house was near such a place.  Maybe the town has the largest drive-in screen in the world, so that no matter where you are, it's a good view.)  Now, that was the kind of thing that you'd expect from a fast food placement, but I think the best part was when, during the climactic battle in the town square, what should be there all lit up but a Burger King?  And what should even be mentioned in the dialog but Burger King?  In fact, it's probably just one of a number of requirements for every town square.  (You know, the giant expanse of pavement that looks sort of like an unlined parking lot, the mini-mart, the church, the Burger King.  Gabbing about God is bound to give you an appetite, you know.)

Then there was Adidas.  Oh my dear, sweet Adidas.  I think that most of the kids were probably wearing the shoes, and our fearless leader Sean wore an Adidas jacket during the climactic fight in the town square (which made it really seem like the town consisted of just a few families and that most of the kids at school were bussed in from who knows where).  But, wait, the greatest part of the whole Adidas partnership was the random collection of Adidas shoe boxes on the second floor of what looks like a drug store or mini-mart (but which has the distinction of looking like the inside of an old warehouse full of unwanted merchandise.  Well, we all know that the mini-mart is the best place to buy shoes and bicycles, don't we?  If not, we do now.).  This is where Sean and his dad fight the Wolf Man (who also happens to be Napoleon Dynamite's uncle).  The genius of this placement is that you don't notice the boxes are even there until the Wolf Man throws Sean's dad through the giant wall of shoe boxes constructed for no apparent reason.  In fact, that was always a scene that I looked forward to whenever I watched it just because it was so random.

So there you have it.  I think this is only one of a select few movies that I actually tolerate the blatant product placement in because without it, the memorable scenes would be far less memorable, and that would be a shame.  (Besides, how else can you sarcastically answer the question of where to hold the battle with the monsters when the church is locked if there isn't a nearby Burger King?)

Movie Moments XIV: 'Tis the season.

It's Halloween, and to me, that means another viewing of "The Lost Skeleton Of Cadavra" (As well as another film, but I'll get to that one in another post).  Paying homage to the B-movies of the 50s, this fun little black and white romp takes us into the woods with Dr. Paul Armstrong and his wife, Betty, as they looked for a meteorite made of Atmospherium, which, as the good doctor says, "You know what this meteor could mean to science?  If we find it, and it's real, it could mean a lot.  It could mean actual advances in the field of science."  There are just so many little moments that I like in this movie that it's hard to choose only one, though the Amish terrarium, Ranger Brad's knowledge of bears, and Dr. Fleming's past dealing with skeletons would certainly be in the running.  Not wanting to ruin anything (and I fear that if I did say too much, I would), I think that I should just recommend you take a gander at this little film and judge for yourself.  You might like it.  You might not.  And if you really want me to choose a part, I'd have to do some thinking, but it could probably be done.  (And if you do watch it and it just isn't your cup of tea, take a look at Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers and try to envision the aliens talking into a fan in Spanish without cracking a smile.)

Time to clean up.

Oh Braces, even you should know that a robot is incapable of feeling fear.  Security breaches and injuries, sure, no problem, but not fear.  The real reasons why Magnum is staying behind are those two films laying on the floor.  (Yep, it appears that Braces was going to leave those two robot related movies behind after all.)  Unless...unless those aren't films at all.  Folks, I think that he's not trying to save films.  He's trying to save a couple of wayward Roomba that wandered onto the scene and have begun cleaning the floor, and what with TRAZE-R's inevitable appearance and the ensuing chaos, those little robots will be in danger and they won't want to leave because there will still be a mess on the floor.  Then some bit of rubble will fall and crush the poor little things that only want to do their job (and how is that fair?).  I know that I'm supposed to not like Magnum, but in light of this, I don't want anything bad to happen to him, even though somehow I know that both giant robots will end up being past the point of repair (or they'll get shipped off, never to be seen again).

Don't know why I did it, but I did.

I listened to the whole interview even though I've never read any of your books and it occurred to me that for being the creator of that world, you seem to know very little about it.  It almost felt as though it had no past or future, only the present.  

(I always thought that you should know more than you disclose for these types of thing, but hey, that's just me.)

And we're back.

After our brief foray into the alternate Rick Tracy story line where robots turn on their masters and all is not as it appears to be, it seems that we've come back to the original story.  Tracy and TRAZE-R are back outside of Genesis (Tracy still without his hat and coat), and Braces and Magnum are inside with Magnum following orders like a good little robot.  I guess all of that worry of rebellion was all for naught (unless, of course, the films in Braces' arms are the ones that he was going to leave behind...).  I must admit that I like how TRAZE-R is able to not only detect the break-in, but also the injuries.  Perhaps he's in the wrong line of work.  He should be at the hospital with Rex Morgan, M.D. (if Rex Morgan even goes to work any more).  
Looks like somebody's a sleepy little giant robot (that, or he's a quart low, which may explain the erratic behavior).  If I were those two (and presumably, the evil lady and the eye patched mystery man are somewhere in the vicinity), I'd get out of there.  Though, if I have to be truthful, I hope that they don't so that we can get the robot battle going.  (I can really see Magnum being punched and then springing back and forth like one of those inflatable clown punching bags, and I must say that it's pretty funny.)  

(Still, there is one mystery that remains: why is Magnum suddenly dropping vowels when he was perfectly capable of using them before?  Perhaps he's already been in a fight and his circuits are a little screwy, or maybe someone has a magnet in their pocket.)

He's some frog.

There has always been a special place in my heart for frogs, and I think that I can thank the First Grade for that.  Specifically, the reading book, "Mortimer Frog."  I loved that book.  I loved it more than "New Friends" and "Mr. Fig" (but not as much as "Mog" because, well, it's "Mog").  There was just something about Mortimer and the red-haired Meg, who always seemed to be wearing green.  It might have had something to do with the cover, which had this neat, cut paper feel to it, or perhaps it was because Mortimer was a nice, long, complicated looking word that sounded neat.  I think probably the main reason I liked it so much was that I could see myself owning a frog like Mortimer (if not Mortimer himself).  In fact, I was convinced that if I ever got a frog as a pet, I'd name it Mortimer, even though when I would eventually catch frogs outside, they all seemed to acquire the name Kermit.  (Curse you, Jim Henson!)  But, maybe those frogs weren't meant to be Mortimer because shortly after I caught them, I would release them again, so perhaps I was subconsciously saving the name Mortimer for a real pet frog (which I never ended up getting).  There was always something about Mortimer that stayed with me, even when all of the other books fell by the way, so that I always remembered that little book.  I still remembered it a good ten years later when, in Eleventh Grade Chemistry, someone sort of remembered it along with the other reading books and I was quick to say that the title was "Mortimer Frog."  Yes, I think that I can safely say that I loved that little frog, and that I will always love that little frog.  

(And if I ever get a frog of my own, I'm naming it Mortimer.)

Too bad.

He'd be some kind of spy if he wasn't so funk prone.

-Edgy Eddie

Chapter One

I was a baby when I was born.  I remember it all quite well.  When the doctor pulled me out, I did not cry.  I issued commands.  "Bring me some jerky," I told him.

-King Bob

The portents are grave.

The soup never lies.

-Fortune Teller Kid

I think I've seen this movie.

Shelly's back and continuing with her little charade of "I won't tell Mark who I really am, but I'll find out as much as I can about him."  Don't think for a moment that you'll be able to lure Mark away from Cherry with a pair of tight jeans and a pink t-shirt.  You'd have to work a neckerchief into that outfit to get his attention (though it sure didn't work when you were Kelly, did it?).  It looks like Mark is showing Shelly the shipwreck because everyone knows that an empty beach is just a beach, but a beach with a shipwreck on it is something really special.  (Don't you go and send her mixed signals Mark.  That's just mean.)

After an extended absence, it would appear that our friends (or enemies) the Avians are back.  At least the ones that didn't need to spend as much time in the gym as the others.  (I'm still waiting on the sparrows, though there was a small update about those critters, which I'll probably get to sometime, but what with the wetland, dog/raccoon fights, and giant robots, I just lost track of time.)  These also appear to be the Avians less set on world domination and more set on informing the public about taking care of the Earth.  Oh, what a many faceted empire the Avians have.  It's a shame they want to enslave or destroy us all, it really is.
This all looks so familiar.  I'm half expecting Tippi Hedren to come stumbling out of the wetland any time now.  Mark, don't let yourself get distracted by that blonde.  The Avians appear to be up to something.  They might not attack, but they've definitely seen their Hitchcock movies and know that intimidation and suspense can be just as effective as an all out attack.  If you see more of those gulls appear and they just sit there staring at you, I suggest that you head for the nearest phone booth.  Sure, you'll have to witness the surrounding carnage, but at least you won't be getting attacked.  As for Shelly, well, she'll just have to fend for herself since there will only be room for one.  (I also have to add that whenever I look at this, I am reminded of the seagulls from Finding Nemo, though I imagine these birds as being far more helpful so that when Shelly begins trying to mislead Mark, they start saying "Lie.  Lie.  Lie.")

(And Mark, I really hate to bring this up, but shouldn't you be doing something about those raccoon/dog fights instead of taking a walk on the beach with that woman who isn't your wife?  Just wondering.)

I think his name is Joe Blanton.

Last night I watched a total of two innings of the World Series.  In that time I believe I heard the name Joe Blanton at least once every few minutes, even when he was just sitting in the dugout doing nothing.  Tim Tebow better watch out.

Smoke and mirrors.

Hollywood would like us to believe that in the event of an alien invasion, we'd all put aside our differences and band together to defeat the invaders.  Right now, I'm not so sure that we would.

Are we reading the same comic here?

Okay, so I'm a little confused with this "recap" strip since it's kind of changing things that went on during the week.  During the week I'd been led to believe that Magnum was under Braces' complete control and would do whatever he said.  Now I'm not so sure because those same scenes seem to have been rewritten to show Magnum turning on Braces.  (I mean, I expected it to happen eventually.  There's that whole robots will inevitably turn on their masters thing and all, but this is all so sudden.)  There now seems to be trouble in Crimeland as Braces is finding himself dealing with a rebellious robot.  Could it be that he was going to leave "Our Friend The Circuit" and "Robots And The World Of Tomorrow, Today!" in the vault and Magnum just won't have it?  It's going to be interesting to see how this plays out, whether the story line will revert back to the one it had been using, or if this marks a turn and we're all just supposed to forget the past.  

And another thing, I thought that Tracy and TRAZE-R were just outside of Genesis.  I thought that all they had to do was go inside.  What are they doing back at the station?  (Maybe it really is across the parking lot and he needed to grab his hat and coat before he went and fought crime.)

Where’s the one about the amoeba?

So that's the great plan?  That's why you wanted to go to Genesis?  To steal film strips?  I mean, I guess can understand.  The documentaries they show on television never do seem to get the monotone narrator right, but still, do you even have a projector back at the hideout?  More importantly, how will the youth of America learn about the amoeba, or watch a movie that's so old that it's lost all of it's color but one and is shown in varying shades of pink?  What next, are you going to go find out where they keep the old laser discs and take those too?  (Although, between the two, I seem to recall the old film strips working a lot better than the laser discs, so I guess I have to say that you chose the right old science films.)  Whatever you're going to do, you'd better get a move on.  Tracy and his robot buddy are just outside.  Good thing they decided to take a walk and just happened to be there when you were.  (I will admit that I do love the way that Tracy's position in the panel gives me the feeling that he's surprised, even though TRAZE-R told him that there was trouble in the previous strip.  Still, I want to know where his hat and coat are, or is Genesis next door to the station and he and TRAZE-R were on a smoke break?)
Someone's going to be having a lot of science related fun tonight.  Hopefully the sound will be a little off key and waver while it's running.  Then there's also that wonderful slapping sound that comes at the end of the reel.  (Can I come too?  I'll bring the popcorn.)  And finally, if it were possible for a robot to sweat, I'd think that Magnum here was doing it.  I know that it's just a reflection, but still, I like how it looks like a glob of oil sweat appeared just under his left eye and is now running down the side of his face.  Makes him seem more human.  That, and the expression on his metallic face just goes so perfectly with his "UH-OH!"

Now might be a good time to go fight some crime.

Oh, this can't be good.  You know that your building is asking for trouble when you have Moe and Shemp Howard as two of the guards (though one can only wonder where Larry and Curly are at this moment and how they will enter into the fray).  Good thing that TRAZE-R is on the case, ready to alert his human counterpart that evil is on the move (even though he never says where the evil is moving to, and with the speed with which some of these cops seem to move, we might want to start hoping that the evil on the move is, in fact, stationary).
It would appear that there's a slight flaw in TRAZE-R's crime fighting abilities.  Sure, it can tell you that evil is afoot, but when you ask where that evil is, it can only give you an intersection.  Diet might want to consider an upgrade that allows our crime fighting robot to name actual locations (like the names of buildings perhaps?) when it tells Tracy that there's evil somewhere.  That way, we won't have to wait the few seconds (or minutes) for Tracy to think, "Now let's see, Hobson and River Road.  Well, I know that it's by the bowling alley, got to remember to go to league play there on Thursday, but what else is around that area?  The diner?  No.  Dry cleaner?  No, that's near Elm.  Wait a minute!  Of course!  Genesis!"  

Those few minutes might not seem like a lot, but consider the poor guard in panel three, who is about to find out what it feels like to be punched by a robot that can feel no pain and probably doesn't know its own strength.  Still, there is one thing that puzzles me about that last panel, and that is that I'm not sure what the guard is hoping to accomplish by yelling out "Yi!"  Now, unless that guard is trying to speak to the robot in Ukrainian or Rusyn, or is in the middle of discussing a river in China or Uruguay with Magnum, I think that another exclamation would have worked just fine (and been a lot less confusing).  Of course, I could be looking at this the wrong way, and the guard is in fact trying to communicate with the robot by saying "Y I" as in, "Why, I don't think it's necessary to resort to fisticuffs when you are obviously superior to me in strength and size.  Why don't I just let you into the vault and that way you'll get what you want, and I'll still have a face."

There's no way that this plan can fail.

Braces has everything.  He's got a special evil lady (well, I'm assuming that she's special in some capacity since she hasn't done much of anything but question this plan, but I bet it's only because she's waiting for the right time to justify her position in this gang), a creepy guy in a turtleneck with an eye patch (a must have for any would-be criminal mastermind), and lest we forget, a giant robot (perfect for all of your enemy crushing and building destroying needs).  Braces' only possible point of weakness are his stubby little fingers (and I could be wrong, but sometime in his past it appears that there was an unfortunate incident involving a sharp edge that cost him part of a pinky), but I'm sure that the giant robot more than makes up for it.  Now if only he would tell us why he wants to break into Genesis, but I'm sure it's a really good reason (a really, really good reason).  You know, when this story arc is over, and Braces is carted away to jail, never to be seen or heard from again, I think I'm actually going to miss him.

So, I guess the break-in has started.  I didn't really notice anything that said it had, but why would Braces go and have his robot destroy his own hideout?  What I'm also a little confused by is the robot's apparent experience with breaking in to places.  I mean, from what I understood, it was only recently taken out of the crate, which would tell me that it had no prior experience with crime, yet when it's being given orders, it says, "I know the drill," indicating that this is not the first crime that it's committed.  Ah well, perhaps this is one of those times when I shouldn't ask too many questions and just go along for the ride.  (Yes, I think that I'll enjoy this a lot more that way.  Although, a secret organization of robot criminals is a pretty neat idea...)

It's big and it's nosey. Wonderful.

It appears that I got Diet all wrong.  He isn't a normal sized human at all.  He's a man about the size of a matchstick that lives in the head (or neck) or a giant robot.  I should have seen that grate on the side of the Robot's neck for what it is: air holes.  Still, so much power in such little hands could be a problem, but I think that first he'd have to figure out how to get out of the robot, and once he did, he'd have to figure out how to survive the fall that would inevitably result form setting foot on the robot's slick metallic skin.  I guess Diet has a much higher stake in this than I thought.  If that robot doesn't work, not only could he lose his home, he could also lose his life.  (Of course, this all leaves me wondering just who's living in Magnum Force.)

Not only is Diet's robot his home and a crime fighting machine (well, it might be.  We just haven't see it fight any crime yet), but it's also an eavesdropper.  You know, TRAZE-R, when Dick is on that little phone, it means that he doesn't want you listening in (you too, Diet).  (It's only common courtesy, after all.)  You can be sure that right after you interrupted him, the first thought that went through our intrepid detective's mind was how to get to the off switch on your back without you knowing.  Then it went to how he could install an isolation chamber that would allow for a cell phone to operate and at the same time block out your little robot ears.  Right now, I think the off switch is the more feasible goal (though he could run into trouble when he turns the power off if Diet is depending on any sort of life support while he's in there).

There doesn't have to be a reason for a goat.

A goat just is.

Well that's just sick.

I think that someone needs to find those kids and get them in a youth center, preferably one run by a reformed ex-con whose life went downhill shortly after taking part in a similar activity,  who can help them turn their lives around through basketball, teamwork, and by standing up to the ne'erdowells who started this thing.  (Perhaps I have been watching a little too much Walker, Texas Ranger.)  Looks like Mark is going to have to do something about this, though I do wonder how much support he'll get from the community since they're advertising this, I would hope, illegal, event at the local post office.  (This is why you should be wary of people with mutton chops, or those who appear to be trying to grow them.  First they'll steal your dog, then they'll make you pay a ransom for its safe return, and then if you don't, they'll make it fight a raccoon tied to a log in the middle of a pond.)
Oh yeah, the wetland.  Gee, in all of the excitement of dog and raccoon fighting I forgot about the disappearing wetland and all of the creatures in danger because of that (although really, I wouldn't call it fighting when the goal seems to be to drown one or the other.  Seems more like baiting, but I guess fighting is a more acceptable term, if there can be one.).  We'd better hope that Mark is an excellent multi-tasker, or that these two seemingly unrelated things are in fact related.  (In this comic, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.)  Good thing Mark brought his laptop and decided to Google wetland destruction and land developers.  It brought him right to the offending party.  Amazing thing, that Internet.  (Now it's really only a matter of time before he finds out the truth about Shelly, unless that whole raccoon/dog fighting thing gets in the way.) 
I knew it!  I just knew there had to be a law against that (and since no one seems to be enforcing it, can the appearance of a crooked sheriff be far behind?).  Wait a minute.  Pop, if you've heard that it goes on, then don't you know that it goes on?  Might you know something else too that perhaps our intrepid woodsman doesn't?  He's not accusing you of taking part in these things, but the way you just answered that question isn't going to make you seem completely innocent either.  Oh the intrigue!  The suspense!  (The question of just how long all of this is going to be drawn out and what other twisted characters and events will enter the field.)

At a loss for notes.

Even though I listen to a lot of different kinds of music from around the world, I feel like I'm missing something.  

I hope to find it one day.

Socks.

Socks are like mittens for your feet.

Except for toe socks.  Those are like gloves.

Gym.

The thing I miss most about gym class is floor hockey.  

Where else can revenge masquerade itself as a an errant swing of the stick?

Surely.

I read the last two chapters because I couldn't stop, and when I reached the end, all I could think was, "That's it?  Surely there must be more."  There wasn't.  I don't know how to feel about that.

The wetland can wait.

What started as a potentially dull trip to the post office has just entered the seedy underworld of backwoods dog and raccoon fighting (which I would like to believe is illegal and wouldn't be something that you advertise at the post office.  Seems more like something that you'd find out about on the streets, that would take place in dark, smokey back rooms).  I predict an undercover mission for Sneaky the Raccoon and Andy in the near future.  (You've got to watch out for the rookie, Andy.  That little girl won't forgive you if something happens to him.)  Unfortunately, this means that the investigation about the wetland will probably have to wait (unless Shelly and Peter are somehow involved, then it could all be wrapped up in one neat little package).  Lives are in danger Mark, it's time to leap into action!

Let's end this charade.

If this doesn't end the pod person/Kelly debate, I don't know what will.  (Unless, of course, this is a clone who has all of Kelly's thoughts and feelings and therefore would go after Mark every chance she got.  Shoot.  I guess the debate rages on.)  

Oh Shelly, I hope that no one heard you say that as you sit in your apartment where the couch matches the carpeting and your clothes match the pillows.  Otherwise, they might start questioning why your eyebrows don't match your hair.  Then there will be background checks and they'll find out that this Sue Butler doesn't really exist and that you created her just to get close to Mark.  (Think about it.  What better way to attract him and ensure some alone time than to start draining a part of nature that he's sure to care about and then conveniently encounter an alligator while wearing a brightly colored suit?)  But if you want this plan to work, you're going to have to be a lot more careful.  (Maybe that's why Cherry has installed herself in your office.  Maybe she really does need to keep an eye on you.  Maybe it's time for the mountain lions to join with the alligators.)

Throwing off the shackles of the microwave popcorn industry.

Last night, a grand experiment took place thanks to Alton Brown from the Food Network.  Honestly, I didn't expect it to work, but it did, so now I don't need to buy microwave popcorn, or buy, and later store, a popcorn popper to have popcorn.  All I need is some foil, a metal bowl, oil, and popcorn kernels.  Hurrah!

I've always wondered...

Why do you have to say the Elvish word for friend in order to enter the Dwarf city?

(Maybe I missed the explanation when I read the book, but it makes it sound less like a city and more like a prison or a Dwarf containment center that way.)

Guess I was wrong.

Apparently, Shelly didn't feel the need to bring up the fact that she's the one who's developing the grassy area (a.k.a. the wetland).  You know, Mark might not take it very well when he finds out that you lied to him, and this deception of yours has not gone unnoticed.  Squirrel and the other animals are on to your little game, be it as a crooked developer or a pod person, and they won't let you get away with this.  Squirrel has a lot of connections to animals in high places, and don't think for a second that he wouldn't hesitate to use them.  The animals are through playing games.  They already proved that by sending out the alligators (a lot of good that did, but I appreciated the effort), so I suggest that you watch your back and get back to the city as soon as possible.

(I would like to conclude by saying that I like how the ball is sitting in that grassy, palm-like plant.  It makes it looks very exciting, like Bob's hair when he came back from the Web.)

Movie Moments XIII: I've never seen fireworks like those before.

Moving forward in time to cover yet another war, this next moment comes to us from the American Revolution and a little film called "The Patriot."  I have to say that I think it is my favorite moment in the entire movie, if only for the facial expressions.  It happens one evening, while General Cornwallis and Colonel Tavington are at a party in South Carolina.  (Let me pause for a moment and say that I love the word colonel because it isn't really pronounced the way it looks and I'm all for including more invisible r's in words.)  While they're mingling with the rich people, our patriots are heading off to blow up the ship conveniently anchored nearby.  The moment I wait for occurs after said ship explodes and the woman standing beside Cornwallis claps and is obviously very pleased with the display, believing it to be fireworks.  I love the look that Cornwallis gives her while she does this because it just tells you that he's calling her a twit in his mind, but that manners won't allow him to say it out loud.  Then there's the Colonel, who sees the explosion and immediately drains his glass in one swallow with a look that says, "I just know that I'm going to be blamed for this."  It's one of my favorite scenes in the movie, and it doesn't really feel like I've watched the movie unless I see it.  (I'm not sure why that is, but I'm happy to oblige.)

Movie Moments XII: You’re the what now?

Today's moment is brought to you by the movie Kingdom of Heaven and has nothing to do with religion.  (What can I say, I'm a sucker for siege machines, warfare, armor, and costumes.)  Now, there are several scenes that I like in this movie, but there is one in particular that I always want to catch, even if I only watch the movie for the few seconds that it's on screen.  This moment appears towards the end (or maybe the middle or the end of the middle.).  It occurs after the new king, Guy de Lusignan, decides that it's time to go to war, so he's gathered everyone together to give them their orders and get them all jazzed up and ready to go.  Just prior to this, we learned that our fearless leader sent a few knights to kill off the trouble making Balian.  (Of course, they fail to do this because if they had succeeded there wouldn't be much movie after that, what with the main character being dead and all.)  Now, Guy is getting everybody ready and dealing with a few dissenting voices, so he has to make it clear who he is and why they should listen to him, and it is at this moment that our hero returns just in time for Guy to see him as he says, "And I am...the king."  The look on his face at the end of that line, after he sees that Balian is still alive, clearly says, "Why aren't you dead?"  I probably I get too much joy from it, but will still always try to catch that moment whenever the movie is on.  It's all about the delivery and I think that Marton Csokas really nails it.

Stop kidding yourself. You don’t have that much control.

I will never stop eating what I like just because it happens to share some part of its name with a politician, however remote the connection may be.

(Lord save the world if Wendy McDonald ever runs against Duncan Starbuck.)

Blah blah yackety shmackety

How about a nice tall cool glass of O.J.?

-Hugh Tasmanian Devil

I warned you about that pen.

Poor, poor Braces.  Looks like someone had a little problem with his ink pen.  Looks like someone might be the target of someone else's joke.  Looks like that someone else might not be long for this world.  Time to test the smashing capabilities of the robot (and I must say, the robot looks pretty happy about that).

Where are we?

To bring you all up to speed, the Genesis Corporation apparently slighted Braces in the past somehow and now he wants revenge.  (He hasn't really said how they did it, so your guess is as good as mine, and he probably won't say until the climactic duel that I'm hoping occurs between the giant robots.)

I had been under the impression that Braces' secret lair of evil and giant robots was somewhere in the city.  Guess I was wrong because it is apparently on a secluded dirt road at the back of an old farm being reclaimed by the forest.  (Well, that or tucked away in someone's backyard potting shed.)  All I can say is that that thing must have a basement with some sort of sliding panel that can be used for lowering giant boxes full of robot because frankly, if that robot is only as big as the door, it won't strike too much fear into the hearts of law abiding citizens, and TRAZE-R will probably just roll right over it, ending the fight as soon as it begins, if not before.  Another option is that Braces put the robot together himself in the shed (even though this doesn't hold any water because we saw him open the crate and say that the robot was made overseas), but that opens up the potential problem of said robot not being able to fit through the door, which means that it would have to break through the wall, and then he wouldn't be left with much of a lair (if the thing didn't collapse right off the bat because it's probably made of particle board).

 

Braces also might not be of this Earth either, since the satellite in question appears to be orbiting Jupiter or some other ringed planet and the last time I checked, that didn't include the Earth.  (This story just keeps getting better and better.  I mean, there were hints about extraterrestrial visitors in the previous story, but this one all but confirms it...or not.)

Movie Moments XI: How Long Is Forever?

From the final moments of the prequel trilogy to the final moments of the original trilogy comes the next moment that is only made possible by Lucas' tinkering with the ending of Return of the Jedi.  Now, in the original ending, we saw the three blue Jedi ghosts as older gentlemen, but with the re-releases, Anakin suddenly reverted back to his younger self.  I think there's even some sort of explanation about how this is the pre-dark side look or something like that.  (Truthfully, I feel kind of bad for Sebastian Shaw, who went from being Darth Vader's head and then Anakin's ghost to just being Darth Vader's head.)  Still, without that change, this moment wouldn't exist.  Now, whenever I see the scene, an unintentional thought appears in my head that provides some dialog for our silent apparitions, especially when Ben and Yoda look at each other.  

Before, that look said, "Thank goodness that good has prevailed and the universe is safe again."

Now it says, "Great.  Stuck for eternity with him.  Didn't I get enough of this when I was alive?"

                       "Haunt the swamp I will.  Good luck with him."

                       "Can't I come too?"

                       "No.  Room for only one there is."

Thus beginning the new adventures of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker, where one is perpetually trying to lose the other in the void between life and death (or at least foist him off on his kids).

And as a side note, if you've never read the I Harth Darth comics, they're worth a look.

(Just remember to start with the earliest one.)

Movie Moments X: Welcome To The Empire School Of Tough Love.

However you may feel about the Star Wars prequels, I have found them to provide more than a few unintentionally funny moments, and this is but one of them.  Before I get to the actual moment, there are a couple of others that don't really seem to warrant a moment of their own, but are somewhat vital to this moment.  It all begins in Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith, at a point where I am sure that I am supposed to feel sorry for Anakin since he has now gone insane, lost his remaining real limbs, and caught fire.  Still, every time I see it, I cannot help but hear the little narrator in my head say, "And then Anakin found out what it's like to be a hamburger."  Then later, when they've scooped up the remains and taken him back to the auto shop to be put back together, I can't help but wonder why their little medical pod, with all of those snazzy high tech capabilities, doesn't have some sort of force field that can protect Anakin's oh so fragile charred skin from being rained on.  My only guess is that if there was one, they purposely left it turned off to try to get rid of the smell of burned Jedi since they don't seem to do a lot of wound cleaning before the droids start popping new limbs on to him like Lego pieces.

It is only after this that the moment I'm really waiting for happens, and again, I don't think I'm feeling what I'm supposed to.  I know that I'm supposed to feel his pain about thinking that he killed Padme and all, but when Darth does his Frankenstein walk off of the slab and goes, "Nooooooooooooooo!" I cannot help but add another brief moment to the scene where the Emperor takes his cane and whacks him on the helmet while saying, "There will be no whining in my Empire!"  Then I laugh, and I know that I shouldn't, but I really can't help it, and I can't watch that scene without that little addition popping into my mind because it just makes so much sense.  I mean, come on, the guy becomes feared across the universe, and does unspeakable things to the poor huddled masses (and there's probably a lot of things that we don't know about too.).  A guy who does nothing but whine would never that.  (Sure, he can cause some damage, but all of that widespread intimidation and fear would disappear the moment he went from being an intergalactic terror to a whiny five year old who didn't get the animal cracker he wanted.)  Something had to have happened in the sixteen or so years it took to build the first Death Star, and I think that what that something was, was The Empire School Of Tough Love.  (It's like camp, if camp were all about getting rid of those last shreds of humanity.)

Behold, the awesome power of dance!

Taking a cue from Bankerman, Shelly attempts to thwart the alligator's attack with dance, but since dancing couldn't stop a demon dog, I find it highly unlikely that it will stop an alligator.  (An alligator that seems to have increased in size and switched its direction of attack since the last time we saw it.  I'm beginning to think that there are two of them.).  What makes things worse is that unlike Bankerman, Shelly just doesn't have the aptitude for jazz hands and can only seem to clumsily do the Twist (and without musical accompaniment, it's doubtful that she'll be able to keep the beat for long).

Mark, meanwhile, has turned around and finally headed in the right direction.  (Of course, you could take the position that Mark was looking for that lost ball and just happened to be turned in the right direction when he finally found it.  I'm sure there will be much rejoicing on the playground later.)  To further indicate the danger and need for assistance, the word "HELP!" even gets its own action lines, so you know that someone really needs help and it isn't going to be as easy as rescuing a kitten from a tree.

Now, Mark's actual encounter with the alligator brings to light several indications that the danger wasn't really as great as Shelly would have liked us to believe.  The first of which is that the alligator may or many not be stuffed since it appears to be in pretty much the same pose in panel three as it is in panel one.  (I tell you, that water shortage is taking its toll on all levels of the food chain.)  But suppose for a moment that our friend the gator is alive and kicking.  If this is indeed the case, then that third panel sheds some light on to why it approached Shelly.  If Mark's recent camping trip taught us anything (the little we saw of it anyway), it's that dental hygiene is important.  I suggest then, that this alligator was not angry, it was in pain.  It had obviously gotten something stuck in its teeth and had been roaming the swamp for who knows how many days looking for someone to ask for help.  Unfortunately, that someone turned out to be Shelly, who inevitably overreacted and only thought of herself.  Thank goodness Mark was in the area and quickly made the right assumption, grabbing the nearest tree to give the alligator some much needed relief.

With the alligator taken care of, Mark and Shelly are about to embark on what will no doubt be a meeting of enlightenment for our developer as she learns of the damage she has inflicted on the environment.  Still, I believe that we should be more concerned about that opossum (at least, I think that it's an opossum) moving about freely during the daytime.  Should we now be worried about the nocturnals taking their shot at Shelly?  (I mean, the dwellers of the daytime couldn't take care of Kelly, so perhaps their night dwelling brethren have decided to take matters into their own paws after they immediately saw through the flimsy disguise of Kelly, or whatever pod person has assumed her form.)

Do you believe in magic?

To prove that you never know who you'll meet in a swamp, that rascally magician has reappeared.  This time though, not content to settle for the run of the mill tricks, he's going in a completely new direction: transformation.  Yes, our poor developer has found herself on the wrong side of magic and has been turned into an alligator (albeit a talking alligator, but an alligator nonetheless.).  This should prove to be quite interesting as Mark hasn't shown any sort of aptitude towards magic, so the chances of this spell ever being reversed aren't good.

But wait, I know that some of you are doubting that this phantom magician even exists, saying that there has to be a reasonable explanation for this, and that magic has nothing to do with the situation.  Fine.  Only time will tell who's right, but I'm willing to entertain all possibilities.  Now, judging from the size of Shelly in that first panel, I suppose that it could also be the case that either she has the ability to change her size like some sort of superhero (uh oh, more magic), or this little alligator has bitten off more than he can chew.  Unfortunately, he's come too far to just turn back without having to face the ridicule of the other swamp inhabitants, and it's doubtful that Shelly will just leave him alone, so he has no choice but to call for help.  (But wait, isn't the alligator's name Sue?  I would say that because of that fact, it would have to be a female, but thanks to Johnny Cash, that name cannot be trusted for such identification.)

However this turns out, one thing can be sure: Mark is turning his head in the wrong direction, which can only mean that there is also danger elsewhere and he will have to make a very difficult choice very soon. 

Tastes a bit like celery.

Well, I was wrong about the moose, but isn't this so much better?  Doesn't this really help to bring the whole life and death struggle that is the water shortage to life?  Yes.  Yes it does, even though Mark and Pop will probably show up in the nick of time to save her so she won't have to try to imitate Bear Grylls and kill the thing.  (Hmm, didn't think that I'd write about Bear twice in such a short period of time, or ever.)  What she needs to do is kick those shoes off and run.  After all, if you can outrun an alligator for 20-30 feet, you've got a good chance of surviving (but it's getting to that 20-30 feet that's the trick.)  And let this be a lesson to you all:  When you're going to go traipsing about the wilderness, wear sensible shoes.  I don't care how well the ones you're wearing go with your outfit.  If you can't get away, no one is going to see you to give you a compliment.  I'd also like to know just what it was that she tripped on, though I can understand if she tripped on air.  I do that all of the time.

But what does this alligator really mean?  It means that the forest animals are through playing nice and that they want to get rid of the Kelly, I mean, Shelly, problem once and for all.  That, or they have identified her as a pod person, in which case, for the good of humanity, she has to go.  I'd say that they stand a good chance of accomplishing their goal, but then I remember the impressionable youngsters who might be reading this comic and I begin to have my doubts.  (I also didn't realize that this story was taking place in an area where there were alligators.  I guess I always assumed that it was somewhere in the forested north.  Oh well, live and learn.)

And one last thing:  Where's her car?  I thought it was nearby, but apparently, "What...?" is the magic word used to teleport someone from relative safety into peril.  Just remember that the next time you're out in the wilderness and you won't get hurt.  (A lesson that Shelly may be learning too late, I'm afraid.)

Another word on revenge.

Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins.

-Armondo Guitierrez

Sweet revenge.

I've often wondered how talking typewriters work.  Are they able to take dictation, or do they just read back what you've typed?  I guess the really important question is: "How do you load the paper?"  That little detail seems to be too much for Shelly to cope with and therefore she has decided to call it a day and leave the office under the guise that she's going to check out some property.  (Or it could be that she seems to be clashing a little too much with the drapes and just can't take looking at them anymore.)

Like Kelly, Shelly has little to no respect for nature, especially since she couldn't be bothered to leave her car on the road and drove it right into the forest (or dried up swamp).  I guess she didn't want to mess up her kicky new pink suit (complete with a double strand of pearls) or muss up her hair.  (I don't even want to think about what she might have run over on the way.)  

Ooh, a cliff hanger!  I wonder what she's looking at.  Personally, I think that it might be that runaway moose (and without Peter to distract it, guess who the target is.)  Although, it could also be the forest animals out for revenge if they've gotten over their, "Are we really prepared to cross that line?" concerns.  (It's a lot easier when there's no one else around, so that if you do do something, nobody has to know.)  They've seen through Shelly's disguise and want her to know just that.  But then again, if she is a doppelganger or pod person, they might be doing it to save humanity.  The problem is, we, and they, just don't know, and are they willing to take the chance that they're wrong?  I know I am.

Oh, she'll know now.

It would appear that after the debacle that was the wildlife movie, Kelly and Brawny have relocated to the city and assumed new identities.  (Oh sure, they can dye their hair and pretend they're other people, but we all know the truth.  Unless they're doppelgangers or pod people.  In that case, look to the skies, don't eat or approach any strange vegetables, and run.)  What boggles my mind is why Cherry decided to join them.

Charlie, how many times have I told you, don't pay ball in the house?  You may not hurt yourself, but think of the plants.  That poor little Pothos is going to need some time to recover considering how hard it looks likes it's been hit.  (I mean, they wouldn't throw those jagged action lines around willy-nilly, would they?)  Remember how much trouble the Brady kids got into by playing ball in the house?  (If not, watch the episode again.  It's episode 37, "Confessions, Confessions.")  In fact, I think that I will now call him Peter.  He just doesn't look like a Charlie to me, though he is wearing a tuna blue suit.

Meanwhile, Kelly, or Shelly as she shall be henceforth known, checks her disguise to see if everything is still in place and tries to decide whether she looks better as a brunette or a blonde and whether she is truly having more fun now.  (She could also be making sure that her human mask is still in one piece, but that's if you think she's an alien, which she could very well be.)  Being away from the forest seems to be taking its toll on our wildlife filmmaker and no amount of suits or magicians will make this feeling of loss disappear.  

(Wait, what do you mean "What magicians?"?  As you can clearly see from the final panel, she was either in the middle of being sawed in half and had to suddenly leave, or there was some sort of accident while she was being put back together and the magician didn't quite get her body lined up correctly.  You should see her legs.  She looks like she belongs in a game of Tetris.)